Time to get back blogging


I have been away from my blog for far too long now. I want that feeling of helping others like me understand that they are not alone. It’s possible to know that people are there and still feel alone. But when you connect in this most intimate way with other survivors there is a feeling of strength that is understood and appreciated.

I have been having a difficult time lately. I think it is because I am working on the most difficult memories in therapy. Only survivors can understand on a deep level how difficult it is to function in your life while dealing with the nightmares of your past.

It’s hard to put into words the depth and damage of the past sometimes.

As hard as it is, I need to express the pain of what happened. That takes going into those memories and processing them. It is a brave thing to do and survivors need to acknowledge that about themselves. It’s very important and it’s validating. There are some things in life that you cant be taught to understand if you haven’t actually experienced them. I struggle from day to day with this turmoil. I have been going through this for a very long time. I feel that the farther you go on a journey the less you want to give up.


Never give up!


40th Wedding Anniversary

June 30th was our 40th Wedding Anniversary! We married on June 30th, 1979. When I think about it sometimes, it’s hard to believe that it has been that long. Other times, it makes me feel really old.

Our four daughters took us out to this very nice restaurant to celebrate. What a wonderful evening it was! We had a great time.

They also presented us with this beautiful beveled glass framed mirror with a family tree and it had all the names of my daughters and my grandchildren on it. It also had our names and said, “established 1979”, on it under the tree.

It is amazing to many people, that after all our family has been through because of the aftermath of the trauma that I suffered as a child, we are still together and going strong. I am so grateful for the joy my husband and my daughters have brought me over the years.



April is Child Abuse Awareness Month

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month
By Capt. Megan Fitzsimmons, Pediatric Clin

April is Child Abuse Prevention month, and the Air Force is empowering families to triumph over childhood violence.

According to experts from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, more than 740,000 children are treated in emergency rooms as a result of violence every year; that is more than 84 children each hour. Every year, more than three million reports of child abuse are received by state and local agencies – a staggering six reports every minute.

The key to avoiding childhood violence is prevention. Families who have stable and nurturing relationships are less likely to experience childhood violence in their homes than families who are unstable.

Children need parents who can identify and provide for their needs. Parenting can be difficult and stressful, and sometimes they need support, resources, and guidance to take the best possible care of their children.

There are several protective factors that can help lower the incidence of child abuse:

· Build a strong bond with your children by making time to do activities together.
· Find the best positive coping strategies for your family.
· Enforce discipline with clear limits and boundaries for children older than 15 months of age – with expectations based on their age and development.
· Understand the basic development of a child’s age.
· Recognize your own limitations and know when to ask for help.
· Be socially active! Being active is healthy for both parents and children.
· Have a good support system and know who to call if there are questions or problems.

These protective measures are important for families since they reinforce one another.
· Child Welfare Information Gateway website: http://www.childwelfare.gov
· National Parent Helpline: 1 (855) 427-2736 or http://www.nationalparenthelpline.org
· Born Learning: http://www.bornlearning.org
· Parents Anonymous: 903-629-7588 or http://www.parentsanonymous.org.



Purchase blue pinwheels that symbolize Child Abuse Awareness. Put them on your lawns in front of your house. Put them in your place of employment. Put them out for all to see and become Aware of Child Prevention. There are also Pins and bracelets to help spread this important message with everyone. There are many places on the internet that sell them. I know that Amazon sells them also. We can all do our part and acknowledge  April as Child Abuse Awareness and bring attention to this terrible crime against children.



Can We Erase The Past?

“Trust is like a piece of paper….once it is crumbled it can not be perfect ever again.”
The truth is that there is just too much in my life that time cannot erase! There are many memories of the past that I would like to erase but it is just not possible. Its been really difficult lately I have to admit. Just when I think that I am through dealing with my painful past I feel propelled back into it against my will. PTSD is a disorder that effects many dealing with trauma. If only I could wish it all way as if I had a wand that could tap a certain part of my brain and heal it. Unfortunately it does not work that way. Our brain is an interesting organ indeed. It has the ability to hold memories until such day that it deems safe to release them. The fact that the past is still effecting me might be because it is trying to help me work through something important that can affect my life now for the better. I must trust in the process. I want freedom from the past and the pain that I continue to endure as a result of it. It takes a determined effort. I will push through. You can too!




Nervous Day


I was worried how today would go with therapy and then right after that a doctor’s appointment.

Therapy was pretty easy today. I did not bring Molly my (ESA) because my doctor appointment was right after therapy and I did not want her left in the car. She hates being in the car to begin with. I am trying to get her more comfortable on car trips. She is always so nervous and shaky. She wines like she’s dying but she is just scared. She is ok in therapist office as long as I bring some treats and her toys. She is very supportive of me when I am upset, thus the “emotional support animal”. When a person is working on difficult trauma, to be able to just pet a dog or hug a dog is very calming and peaceful. Molly brings down my anxiety fairly quickly. I love her so much. She is so infectious! It is hard not to watch her play or even just stare at her because she is so darn cute all the time. She is cute even when she is bad.

My doctor’s appointment went well. It turns out that I need to take some probiotic to help with my tummy trouble.

So all-an-all, it was a good day. I am always nervous anyway. I am like then whenever I leave the house to go anywhere. But, I still have to do it and so I push myself. Maybe, I challenge myself is a better choice of words. I am always glad that did. I build up more and more confidence, the more I do it.

It’s around 6:30 and all is well in our tiny little house on the hill.


Dr. Appointment

I have therapy tomorrow and right after that, I have a doctor appointment with my primary physician about tummy troubles. I hope everything is ok. It’s scary sometimes when you know that something is just not quite right but avoiding it is not good either.

I feel somewhat better today so it should be ok.



Is it ok to step out into the outside air, space once not deemed safe? Who or what is out there? What lies beyond the usual and shadowed inner world that smothered my excitement and curiosity. It has also hampered my growth and even desires. It stole my right to express my gifts. It stole my spirit. It’s not a place that I want to be but I think it is a place that I have to be. It almost seems as if it’s not my choice. It’s not fair. It’s not even logical. But I have learned that some of my emotions have a disconnect to my mind. Perhaps this is the very reason why I have kept myself imprisoned in this stuck place and unable to move on or out into life.
I have to admit that although it might be scary it can also be thrilling to hold the idea that I can be brave and venture out and really live my life normally. It is also thrilling to just have a thought that taps into this curiosity. But I know that contemplating and doing are not the same. However, both can lead to an understanding and even change. I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because this only causes me more internal torment. Just thinking about it all, for now, is ok because it’s a sign of growth. Why is it that I choose to play it safe. It’s not just fear of what I know but also the unknown. To open the door is a start in the right direction. I can just breathe the air and experience it all in my own time. The only time limit is the one that I place on myself. My ambivalence is my handicap. It and only it decides to be brave or cower in the shadows of others Others have expectations that can echo in my head and weight on my minds fragile vulnerabilities. Choice provides me a chance to ignore what others expect and to begin to trust in myself. Life can be good to this I know but trusting in this goodness and trust in others will propel me forward to meaningful and lasting success. I want and deserve it. Everyone deserves it.