Turmoil

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This has been my life for the past few months and I do not know why. It’s like the earth is purging upward, beneath me. What’s that all about. Is life refusing me? Is it rejecting me too? I doubt within two minutes that I thought to take a breath. I am making impulsive decisions without any care or reason. I am causing my own pain. I’m not a masochist. I don’t like it. I can’t see straight through the tears. If I was building a puzzle to find my life, I messed that up a long time ago. I have been in this constant storm of emotions and I can’t sort it out. My words were caught on my computer but then they just lost their way. I haven’t heard a word from them in days. I am at some sort of threshold, but I do not know what it is. It’s like I am being placed there like a piece of furniture. But the idea is that I don’t know if I am in control. My life’s like one of those superhighways and you don’t know which lane to turn. It is so confusing and it’s moving so fast, its twisting and turning and the roar is so loud.
Am I about to crash?
I feel a sense of pulling in to tighten my strength to whether some sort of catastrophe, I think? Do I approach what’s before me even though I have no knowledge of what it is? I do have to say that I am very scared and excited? The world is weighing in on this disaster that I am in. It’s adding much more punch and fear and the sky is a weird sort of green. What does all this mean? In which direction should I go? I take a step and stumble on a slope.

It’s raining now, wait, is that rain?” I could swear that things are flying over to where I cannot see. Am I lost? Maybe that’s it. I trust no one so I must find out what all this crazy shifting and flying tantrums are about. I am truly lost.
Linda

Carefully placed words

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Sometimes we get angry at others because they completely misunderstood what we were saying about some particular circumstance. Some say,” look at what I mean not at what I say.” I think that can be true, but I also think that there is a fine line between the different uses of certain words in or out of context that can confuse people.
That happened to me recently. I am going to be more careful from now on with what I say and how I say it.
This could be why what I say makes me fumble my words with people all the time. In the end, I am usually the one that gets hurt and it’s my fault, so it makes sense that I should get hurt, or should I?
I always say, “I write better than I speak”. When I have a problem with someone, say I hurt them, or they hurt me, I would rather take the time to write it all out and all alone by myself. In this way, I can concentrate on the information that I want to express and not miss anything important that I wanted to say without interruptions, feelings or that person throwing words at me so fast that I cannot keep up. When that happens, my mind gets all jumbled and I become stressed and then my brain takes a short vacation at just the wrong time. Now, it’s anybody’s guess what I will say next because my brain is on vacation.
We are so complex that there could be a hundred ways of reacting to the said situation and still be wrong.
Also, the other person can interpret it a hundred different ways and still be wrong. So that just makes a mess of things. It is very frustrating for all involved.
But when someone seems hysterical you can’t believe everything that they say or know by the way that they say it, because when you’re upset it’s hard to be rational and discerning. It’s at this time that your words get out of control.
What a mess that can be and you have to live with whatever happens and try and figure out how to fix it and be more careful next time.

Just a thought
Linda

Murphy’s Law

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I woke up this morning with a spiritual song in my head. It might be there in my head repeatedly throughout the day. It can be so annoying. Sometimes it is very pleasant like the one I kept hearing as I got out of bed. I really don’t mind it if its words are important words that I can use, meditate on or find true meaning in my life today or just let them be. When we fight it then this will be repeating on and on and on the more that we hear it.
Let it be

What about murphy’s law? You wake up and nothing seems to be going your way and your frustrated so much that you want to throw in the towel and maybe go back to bed. If you can decide for yourself that it is indeed, “a Murphy’s Law” kind a situation, then you are in for a day full of failure and mishaps. What do you do with it? I mean isn’t it all up to you right? If you strongly believe in “Murphy’s Law” I bet, you think that the whole day is going to be messed up. Maybe the toast is burnt, or you nick your knee on a chair or you’re late for work and don’t have enough time to stop and get a coffee.
It’s probably named after this guy who happens to have those problems. Perhaps he thought that these things only happen to him and so he created a name for that which always happens to him. He must have told someone else about it in conversation. Then that person kind a says, that was interesting, and he then thought that it also happens to him sometimes. It’s funny how a silly idea can affect you so that if your day is starting wrong then you think for sure that the whole day is ruined.
I really believe that is a “placebo effect”. If you’re given a pill by a doctor to help something that has been bothering, you for a while now. You do not know that the pill is a placebo, so you really believe and trust in your doctor that this pill is going to work. So, you set out to take this pill and, “low-and-behold” it is working so well. Then the doctor told you that it was sugar pill and nothing more. What do you think about that?
I believe that our minds are amazing and have the ability to change how we feel and act toward any given situation like having a bad day. If you believe in something strongly your mind will make it so. The unconscious mind does not know the difference between the truth and lie. It believes whatever you tell it and then it will act in a way toward that believed truth. So, if a few problems come up at the beginning of the day, do you have to assume that it will turn out the same for the whole day. Your brain might be doing as you told it to do causing you to pay attention to all those mishaps because you told it to. So, what if you did the opposite and you told your subconscious mind I will not let anything that goes wrong ruin my whole day and most assuredly your brain will do what you told it to do and your day is going to be great.
We all have the power to change the way we think by letting those powerful happy thoughts in and even if a few things go wrong you don’t have to label it. Just look at it differently.
Linda

When you think of me

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Deeply think,
back to me.
For you can see,
what use to be.
Come and play.
Don’t worry,
just stay.
Remember
long ago,
when we thought,
that we would never grow?
Remember when we tried to change.
To be someone else,
just for a day?
Remember when we captured fireflies,
to light our room up bright?
There was no fear there,
for just one night.
Remember how we dreamed,
as butterflies in flight?
The lightness of the air,
reaching way up there,
where the clouds come from,
in their billowing blue and pink.
We stay for a while to feel relief.
Oh, but just while,
and then to sleep.
We prayed for just
one more dream.
But fear not,
all is needed to be in this state of remembrance,
is to think deeply,
and never forget to play.

kop

 
Linda

 

 

Snow, Snow, Snow

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It snowed here in this little town of Nortfield Ct USA. I live in the northeast part of the country. Winters are usually very cold and snowy. When we have the right kind of snow, the snowball kind of snow, the trees are all draped with the most amazing beauty. I don’t like the cold and a winter without snow is very drab, long and depressing. There is an aweful grayness to everthing. I always hope for sunny days in the winter because it makes a cheerful difference in my day.

I am longing for spring already. The nice thing about where I live is that I get to enjoy all four seasons and the beauty that they bring. Did you ever glance at the snow while on a walk. It sparkles and sparkles to reveal our heavenly fathers care for us in creating such a joy in our lives. I love sparkle. Even after  an ice storm, when the sun comes out, the trees look amazing with their crystal-like brillance. I am always in awe of it.

Well speaking of snow, I had a therapy appointment today but canceled on the count of snow. I take my golden retriever, Molly, with me and she is my emotional support dog and is allowed to come with me. She is amazing.

I am going through EMDR (EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING). It is used for many reason now but I am doing to work severe sexual child abuse. My diagnosis is CPTSD, (COMPLEX POST TRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER). Thus far, it has been very helpful. I feel as though little by little, I am getting a life different than what I have been suffering for decades. I am excited about the time when I have worked through all the memories so that I can do something different with my life. I don’t identify myself with just being a patient. That is not who I am. However, I need to discover who I am. This can be a process in-of-itself. I am very hopeful.

What about you, the reader, Whats your story. I would be honored to have you follow my blog and honored for you to share your story with me and others.

Sometimes people read your blog and really enjoyed your post but sometimes forget to hit like. All of us writers look forward to these likes. They help to build confidence in our writing and the content that we share.

Linda

Show You Have Courage

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Everything is going well, so far, with my new therapist. I’ve decided to write about my sessions in hopes that it will not only help me to express myself but also to validate and encourage others. It’s a big step, going to therapy. The brave and courageous are usually the ones that seem to choose therapy. If a person chooses therapy, that is not some defect in them. It’s not a bad thing to have to do. I am grateful for therapy. The therapist actually listens to me and validates what I am going through now and what I went through in the past. I didn’t have that in my childhood. Children suffer in silence because of fear. A person suffers in their adult life as the aftermath of that trauma. There is help available. Sad to say, there are a lot of other people out there who either do not have the therapy option or don’t know that they do. So many people suffer in silence their whole life. Other people think they can get through trauma on their own and judge others for going but their adult life is a mess. Not everyone has the courage to go to therapy. I commend all that do. It is not a weakness to go to therapy. It’s a strength!

Linda