Learning Life’s Lessons

A simple life lesson is, the stove is on and it can burn my hand if I touch it. I don’t have to test it because I can feel the heat.
Today in therapy my anxiety was not as bad as the last two times. Even sitting in the waiting room sipping my Dunkin Donuts ice coffee, I was fairly- calm. I always stress a little bit before therapy. I never know what we will discuss until it happens. Stressing ahead of time does not serve me well. I am learning to really use a lot of the skills that I have been taught over the years to cope with emotions and traumatic memories. I know that at any time we could hit a trigger. It scares me every time it happens. But I won’t run away from it. I have been doing that all my life and it never helps. It only sets me back more. My therapist said I was brave today.
I talked about a current situation that scared me and through the EMDR session I made a connection to the past. My son-in-law, “I love him to death” but he scares me sometimes with is strong and powerful voice. While on vacation with them, my son-in-law yelled at my daughter to make his point. It set up in me the fight or flight reaction. We talked in therapy about some of what happened to me when my son-in-law and daughter were fighting. It’s not what they were saying that scared me. They both had valid points to what they were saying to each other. But it was not words but anger that caused that fight or flight fear from the past. Perhaps I react that way to loud voices and angry voices because when I was still very little, I was afraid of my father and his fits. When his voice would get loud and he started throwing things us kids ran to hide. That’s my past connection to how I react today when I hear anger or shouting or even just loud noises. I get startled easy. Now I know more about why I do that.
I learned two important things from my session today. One, I made that connection from the present to the past. I am starting to understand EMDR better than I ever have and have even more confidence that this kind of therapy will work for me. Number two, I learned that I could tolerate feeling difficult emotions and anxiety and still sit there and work on it. I guess I was kinda proud of myself today.


Make A Change


Walls do talk, though you might not think.
They can tell you things that people just can’t see.
They speak volumes of history within.
Large or small.
Even walls on places you can only crawl.
Stories of joy and loss.
Stories of horror that defy decent laws.
Some scream to tell of great sins.
on the ceiling and the floors,
and all the places within.
The secrecy of hearts-imprinted in this space.
Telling stories hidden from the face.
The cover of this place attempts to hide what the walls can say.
But history is captured by those who dare to listen.
If the walls did talk what would they say to us? If the sky cried are they raindrops or are they tears that cascade down and sore through the atmosphere, revealing centuries-old pain. And would it validate the millions that suffer at the hands of others? If all survivors of such atrocities were to shout up to the heavens, would it even make a sound?
We simply cannot shout because there is a blanket of darkness that keeps our secrets in. These secrets become trapped in our hearts and in our minds to work out at some safe future time.
There were many serious injuries that have happened in my childhood and still are with me today. I know how precious childhood is because of things that I went without like nurturing and affection. I went without enough emotional care or connection from my mom. I did receive some affection from my father as an infant. But that was to change and turn into terror at his designated time.
We have no idea what genes we will get at the moment of our conception. We cannot choose our genes and we cannot choose our parents. We are at the mercy of their inherited parenting skills. These skills that they were taught, trickled down to future generations.
We need to do all that is in our power to make a change.