Can We Erase The Past?

“Trust is like a piece of paper….once it is crumbled it can not be perfect ever again.”
The truth is that there is just too much in my life that time cannot erase! There are many memories of the past that I would like to erase but it is just not possible. Its been really difficult lately I have to admit. Just when I think that I am through dealing with my painful past I feel propelled back into it against my will. PTSD is a disorder that effects many dealing with trauma. If only I could wish it all way as if I had a wand that could tap a certain part of my brain and heal it. Unfortunately it does not work that way. Our brain is an interesting organ indeed. It has the ability to hold memories until such day that it deems safe to release them. The fact that the past is still effecting me might be because it is trying to help me work through something important that can affect my life now for the better. I must trust in the process. I want freedom from the past and the pain that I continue to endure as a result of it. It takes a determined effort. I will push through. You can too!

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Linda

 

Nervous Day

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I was worried how today would go with therapy and then right after that a doctor’s appointment.

Therapy was pretty easy today. I did not bring Molly my (ESA) because my doctor appointment was right after therapy and I did not want her left in the car. She hates being in the car to begin with. I am trying to get her more comfortable on car trips. She is always so nervous and shaky. She wines like she’s dying but she is just scared. She is ok in therapist office as long as I bring some treats and her toys. She is very supportive of me when I am upset, thus the “emotional support animal”. When a person is working on difficult trauma, to be able to just pet a dog or hug a dog is very calming and peaceful. Molly brings down my anxiety fairly quickly. I love her so much. She is so infectious! It is hard not to watch her play or even just stare at her because she is so darn cute all the time. She is cute even when she is bad.

My doctor’s appointment went well. It turns out that I need to take some probiotic to help with my tummy trouble.

So all-an-all, it was a good day. I am always nervous anyway. I am like then whenever I leave the house to go anywhere. But, I still have to do it and so I push myself. Maybe, I challenge myself is a better choice of words. I am always glad that did. I build up more and more confidence, the more I do it.

It’s around 6:30 and all is well in our tiny little house on the hill.

Linda

Dr. Appointment

I have therapy tomorrow and right after that, I have a doctor appointment with my primary physician about tummy troubles. I hope everything is ok. It’s scary sometimes when you know that something is just not quite right but avoiding it is not good either.

I feel somewhat better today so it should be ok.

Vulnerability

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Is it ok to step out into the outside air, space once not deemed safe? Who or what is out there? What lies beyond the usual and shadowed inner world that smothered my excitement and curiosity. It has also hampered my growth and even desires. It stole my right to express my gifts. It stole my spirit. It’s not a place that I want to be but I think it is a place that I have to be. It almost seems as if it’s not my choice. It’s not fair. It’s not even logical. But I have learned that some of my emotions have a disconnect to my mind. Perhaps this is the very reason why I have kept myself imprisoned in this stuck place and unable to move on or out into life.
I have to admit that although it might be scary it can also be thrilling to hold the idea that I can be brave and venture out and really live my life normally. It is also thrilling to just have a thought that taps into this curiosity. But I know that contemplating and doing are not the same. However, both can lead to an understanding and even change. I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because this only causes me more internal torment. Just thinking about it all, for now, is ok because it’s a sign of growth. Why is it that I choose to play it safe. It’s not just fear of what I know but also the unknown. To open the door is a start in the right direction. I can just breathe the air and experience it all in my own time. The only time limit is the one that I place on myself. My ambivalence is my handicap. It and only it decides to be brave or cower in the shadows of others Others have expectations that can echo in my head and weight on my minds fragile vulnerabilities. Choice provides me a chance to ignore what others expect and to begin to trust in myself. Life can be good to this I know but trusting in this goodness and trust in others will propel me forward to meaningful and lasting success. I want and deserve it. Everyone deserves it.
Linda

Flu Shot = Flu?

Its Monday morning a-g-a-i-n…………… That’s ok.

I am finally getting over the flu. It seemed to take forever to leave my body. I did all the usual things that we do to take good care of ourselves and yet it still lasted far beyond what it should have. I actually got the flu shot, go figure.

I still have a bit of a health issue in that I am suffering from trapped gas. It’s very painful. I have a doctor’s appointment later on today to try to figure out why.

I have a really nice, attentive doctor. I am grateful for that.

I am going to make today a good day and hopefully very productive. I am going to work on my book today.

I am in the middle of re-decorating our bedroom and I want that finished. I am excited to see what I envisioned in my head become a reality. It needed it for a long time.

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Have a great day!

Linda

P.S. More this evening

 

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

It was right here all alone!
Perhaps we can forge a new path together.

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My husband and I argued over something so stupid this evening. But I’ve learned through time and experience that when we are fighting about something so stupid that there are more important issues that are not being said. As is often pointed out by marriage councilors, “it’s the elephant in the room”, that we seem to walk around but never acknowledge. I know the elephant won’t go away unless we deal with it. For some reason tonight was the night. Life sometimes has a way of putting things right there in front us whether we are ready or not. I was encouraged to address these issues by my therapist but I have learned that I have to be very careful how I put things to my husband because he is very sensitive and takes everything to heart just like I do. Oh, what pair we are. There are all these little annoyances that can erupt into an emotional explosion if not properly dealt with. It’s the explosion that brings real issues to light. Well, that is what sort of happened tonight.
I don’t want to talk about the content of the argument because that doesn’t even matter. but I think that the fact that it triggered something bigger, all though painful, needed to be said.
Its been so easy to take for granted what we have as a couple. It is possible to lose sight of what each of us needs so we stop providing it whether it is hugs or compliments and sometimes even manners. I think that it’s because we have lived more than three decades with each other and it has become so easy to get comfortable in our regular routine that we miss the importance of what brought us together in the first place. Our love for each other. We created a bond that grew in our hearts over the years. That bond has always been there right along but somehow got pushed aside by the fast pace of life. The girls are all grown and have their own lives. They don’t need us so much. So this should be the perfect time to come together and maybe do something that we never had a chance to when the girls where home. It could be a time of discovery. It could be exciting. Instead of looking at life through older eyes thinking that we are over the hill and we should just throw in the towel and let life happen to us, we could re-discover each other.
I want my husband to know that we don’t have to give into a set way of advancing in age. He looks at himself as old when he is only in his 50s. Really……I’m not old. Does he think that I am old? I may be a grandparent but that does not mean that I have to live like the typical old granny that sits there in her favorite chair knitting while sounded by cats. No…..that is just not me. I want him to see that too.
Tonight could be a turning point in our relationship. We got through all that stuff that we were holding onto for so long. Perhaps we held on because we thought that it would be a good thing for our marriage not to bring up things that could anger each other and take away the peace from the house. It didn’t work. As a result of holding back, we have put a wedge between each other. We were not being fair by hiding how we really felt. If we are doing that than we are also holding back what each other needs. What we need is the biggest issue. Tonight we took a leap of faith and revealed what each other really needs. It’s a start in the right direction. I don’t know where this new-found knowledge will lead us but I know for sure that I do not want to go backward and live like we were in some sort of marriage limbo where we seemed to be living more like roommates than husband and wife. I know for sure that I’m not throwing in the towel on getting older or on our marriage. I have a lot of life left to live and a spark in my heart that just won’t keep quiet.
If we choose to, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
We can allow ourselves to be deceived by false realities.
Or we can use them to hide in silence our longings.
But its time for our marriage to come out of hiding
We don’t live in illusions that should be.
But we live in the possibilities of what could be and strive to make that our reality.
“Always and Forever” was there from the start
and from that moment on it has lived in our hearts.

Linda