This is where I wish to be at this very moment in time. The ocean has breath-taking sunsets to end the day in peace. Inner peace is what I want to feel on the inside and I want to feel the water hit my toes on the outside. How do I get inner peace and visualize a beach?
I have therapy tomorrow. Right now, at this moment I wish I could push nightmares and flashbacks away from my peaceful atmosphere. There is always a little anxiety before a session. It’s the, not knowing. I hate the not knowing, it’s scary. I seem to build up this anxiety from the night before. But can’t seem to understand why this is so stressful for me.
What can I do tonight to help the anxiety I will feel tomorrow? I am in a very comfortable recliner like the ones that you see at the movies. My cat, Max, as he is so affectionately called, is sitting below my feet. It seems to be his favorite spot at night when I am up late. He likes to be next to me. I am noticing this sound in the room. I am hearing the hum of the air-conditioner like white noise. I am willing myself to push away the anxiety. It works for a while but then I feel the heaviness in my gut. It’s telling me that I fear the conversation at therapy and the content of the session. I am not even there yet. My face has not even hit the pillow yet. No one knows where the conversation might lead. It might lead to an EMDR session. I don’t know.
I just keep telling myself that this is all part of the process of working through my traumatic past. I need to give myself a break and stop worrying so much. It will unfold as it should. There is a direction, although I don’t like going there, that will free me from the past and see through new eyes the beauty of the future.