Any Wish


There’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
if you asked me to.
To the ends of the earth,
and back again.
I’d do it for you, my friend,
again and again.
On this truth, you can rely.
With all that we’ve been through,
I would give the world to you.
I love you.
Most assuredly you know that in my heart
to you, I bestow this gift,
for any wish.
You can come to collect,
and I will promise to follow
with results in excess
to this, I can attest,
From here on in,
you should always know,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
if you asked me to.

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Linda Booth

I want off the rollercoaster!

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I think that my moods are getting better. I hope so anyway. I thoroughly enjoy the days that I feel happy and energized.  But that scary unexpected sink in mood is costly because it steals my will for a while. It zaps my motivation. It is so discouraging. I hate when I have a few good days because I know that  I am just waiting for the fall. It’s more like a vacuum. I get sucked in beyond my control. It knocks the wind out of me sometimes. I seem to go to a very dark place but I did not make that choice. That dark place does not care whether I have plans or if I  have to wash the dishes. It steals my choice and throws my plans to get better out the window. I go to look for it but it just seems to disappear without a trace. I have no desire to move farther from the couch I cry a lot for no apparent reason.

A few days or weeks go by and I am on a upclimb again. My life is not easy. But I’m alive! I live for the days that I can be productive and to feel joy again.

My life is a perpetual rollercoaster ride. Getting off is not in my control. Im at its mercy until I can step off for a while. I would like to be done with this cycle of mood swings.

That’s what I am in therapy for. The EMDR work on the trauma from child abuse gives me hope because I have already seen positive results. I also have a great therapist.

I am on the up swing. I pray that I can just enjoy it until the next scary drop. The thing that I hate the most about rollercoasters is the drop.

Prayer really does help but I need to make a stronger habit of it.

Linda

I’m a Survivor

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I am finished with IOP now and I am starting to get more energy back. I am a bit more productive.  If feels good to accomplish goals that I set for myself daily. I know that it is important not to take to much in a day or I will most-assuredly become discouraged and that can send me backwards again. I don’t want to go backward!

For the past year, I have been hiding out in my house. I go to very few places. Part of that is just being sensitive and do not mind being alone. The INFJ personality type has a sensitivity that prevents them from wanting to be around a crowd of people. It’s ok for me sometimes. But I can only take so much of being in a social situation and then I have to be alone for a while to recharge. Then if I have to go back I will be alright for a while and then need to recharge (energy) again. The noise in a crowd can be too much. To me, it’s not always like a bunch of people talking. It sounds like this loud uncomfortable roar.

I know that when I get farther along in therapy I will not be such a hermit. Who knows maybe even getting a job. I have to set goals for myself because otherwise I just feel lost and don’t know what to do with my time. I might even do some type of volunteer work. That would make me feel great if and only if I get to the point when I can handle being around people more. When the girls were little I did work. I was a housekeeping supervisor.  I loved that job. I did for about nine years. Then my child abuse issues were starting to get overwhelming and I quit.  But I loved it. It is always easier for me when my time is structured and I have things to do that have to be done.

I have been pushing everyone important to me away lately. I know that I am hurting them because of this but on the other hand I don’t feel like can change that right.

I really think only survivors of child abuse can know completely how difficult life can be.  We know how devastating and even catastrophic childhood abuse impacts the lives of survivors and their family.

I am a survivor. I will get better!

Blessings to all of my faithful readers!

PrincessesNameLinda

Aloof

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She was screaming and pulling on my shirt,
And looking desperate to be free.
I became embarrassed very easily,
From her childlike fears and needs.
I am not her mother,
But she pleads for me to be.
I just went on with my day.
For a time, she fades away.
Life seems normal and free.
But only because she hides,
Till the next time that she can plead.
There it goes again.
That pulling on my shirt.
If I keep ignoring, what will it do to her?
If I keep ignoring will I be the one that’s hurt?
I try sometimes.
To this there is proof.
For each time that she pulls at my shirt,
I get farther and farther from ignoring her,
And much less aloof.
Linda

Wonderful Husband

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I am so proud of my husband Clyde!  I am always so proud of him all the time.
I just wish that he was as proud of himself. I am not sure why he puts himself down so much. He calls himself idiot all the time and stupid, loser, “fat bald and ugly and he lives in a shack on a hill and I don’t want him”. The latter is his favorite saying.
I know that his childhood was not that great either, but he had difficulty’s that were different from mine when I was little. I feel so bad for him every time that he puts himself down. It’s really sad because he truly is an amazing man. He is a great husband and a great father. He really is very intelligent. It’s so hard to understand why he does this. I love him so much and when he hurts, I hurt too.
The very idea of having a successful lifelong marriage and the privilege of raising beautiful children and to see them off into their own lives and families is a huge blessing that he had a very huge part in. I struggled with my illnesses as a result of the aftermath of chronic child abuse but that aside, we still built an amazing life together and as a strong family. I am so very grateful for every day of my life. God has given so many reasons for joy. It is hard to wake up in the morning without a smile for my God for all he has done. I say my prayer even before getting out of bed in the morning. It’s my time with my heavenly father. What a great way to open the morning with cheer and gratitude. I pray for guidance through my day and always feel a strong sense of God on my side as I go through my day. I am sure to have success in my day if I include him in everything.
With us, all together as a family are all playing their roles. In this way, we are always making up for what is missing and making repairs with each other as we sometimes stumble through unforeseen occurrences that do befall us all. One is always lifting another in their time of need and then it comes around full circle so that all members of the family through their great demonstration of love for each other heal the family all in their own loving way.
It is a privilege and honor that I feel, to have the opportunity to raise happy safe children despite what I went through as a child. We are all so resilient in our own special ways.
I feel that I have been truly blessed by God to have such joys in my life despite my difficulties. What an honor it is to serve such a loving heavenly father who has never let me down and always provided a way out of the pain. I did not always listen but eventually realized the benefits displayed in our beautiful family and on my behalf.
Never give up. Wherever there is pain there is a way out. Seek it out and reach…God will not disappoint you. Not ever.

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ALWAYS AND FOREVER

LINDA

Tough Day

Being sensitive is got its down side.

Today in group, I waited and waited for the therapist to check in with me like she does with everyone, well almost everyone. I was having a bad day and the fact that I was not noticed made it even worse. This program has changed so much over the years and not for the better. Well, because I am sensitive I get hurt very easily when I am not noticed. I felt like I did when I was a kid, invisible and what I had to say meant nothing.

So I quit IOP today without warning or explanation. All she had to say was ok.

I am going back to my therapist.

I am not angry. I am just disappointed. I will get over it pretty quickly. I won’t let something like that take away from all my successes and hard work.

I am a survivor.

I am sensitive and I won’t change that about myself because that is who I am.

Linda

Do something

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Approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse.
1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.
In 2012, 82.2% of child abuse perpetrators were found to be between the ages of 18-44, of which 39.6% were recorded to be between the ages of 25-34.
In the United States, more than 4 children die from child abuse and neglect on a daily basis. Over 70% of these children are below the age of 3.
Boys (48.5%) and girls (51.2%) become victims at nearly the same rate.
2.9 million cases of child abuse are reported every year in the United States.
Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit a violent crime.
About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.
14% of all men and 36% of all women in prison were abused as children.
Abused children are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs. They’re also 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy
DoSomething.org