I don’t know where to begin or if I should speak at all.
What we say and do can have a bigger impact on people than we might think.
I have learned lately to never assume things about myself nor to assume things about others and how what I say or do affects others in my life. Especially the people closest to me, my family and friends.
From my perspective, life is not about me, although it might seem that way from time to time. I know that it is more about how people see me from the outside. Its there perspective and judgments about me. It means more to me, that I show respect and genuine honesty and carefulness with my words and actions toward the people that I love and respect.
Lesson learned! I have had to learn a lot of lessons in my life the hard way. It’s not important to get into all that. This is more about misunderstandings, mix messages and inconsistencies that I send out.
I don’t expect anyone to understand me or even really know me when I set up all these protective walls. For me, its about survival mechanisms. They were maladaptive ways to survive that I learned from the past. I don’t need them anymore and I am learning to change. I don’t expect anyone to understand all of it or the extent of it or why I do things the way that I do.
The world is so much bigger than any of my issues.
I have pushed so many people away lately.
I hurt my brother by pushing him away. He’s one of the last people in the world that I would ever want to hurt. I missed an important event in his life. The graduation of his twin sons from high school. I felt awful. I know that he forgives me but that does not make me feel any less guilty about it. I will make it up to him and my nephews. But I can’t be there for anyone else if I cant even take care of myself very well right now.
That’s the tragic thing about child abuse recovery. It steals little pieces of your life and can isolate you from the people that you care about the most.
I am working in therapy with the darkest and most traumatic memory of all.
When I finally work that out then I will be able to work on repairs in my relationships.
I hope that they can all be patient with me. The ties that bind us as families can become so damaged whether we intend it or not but the flip side of that is, they can also mend with time and genuine effort.