I had this really powerful dream last night. I dreamt of my dad. In it, I was still a little girl but he was different. He was very different. I have tears in my eyes right now as I type this. He was so good to me in the dream. He did not hurt me in my dream like he did when I was little. Perhaps unconsciously I am wishing for a do-over of my childhood in which I can control what happens to me. How awesome would that be? It’s so sad to know that it will never be possible.
There is not one of us that isn’t damaged by our parents some how to a lesser or greater degree. I know this. I know that I am not a perfect mother. But I know that I did the very best that I could to raise them happy and healthy and I live with those wonderful memories in my heart every day. It was the best time of my life. It was the most important thing that I have ever done. Their dad did the very best that he could also. He deserves an award for the great father that he was while raising them. Having a good mom and dad makes all the difference for them later in life when they are adults. It was not easy but very possible to keep children from harm and nurture them at a most critical time in their lives.. No mother or father can be perfect. Understanding this point helps me to forgive my father just a tiny little bit.
Then there are those parents who harm their children so deeply and yet they expect forgiveness. They make excuses for their actions and even say that they did the best that they could. That just isn’t true and I think they know that. There are some crimes against a child that are almost unforgivable.
How many of us wish things were different when we were kids. Some kids wish for different parents. I don’t think that I could do that. I would still want my Mom and my Dad. I would only wish to change those horrible things that happened. Instead of neglect, I would wish that my mom would take much better care of us and protect us from harm. I did not have that kind of Mom. I would wish my Dad to be like he was before the sexual abuse happened. Before that time I thought he was the best father in the world.
Oh, the power of wishing.
Oh, the power of dreams.