Wonderful Husband

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I am so proud of my husband Clyde!  I am always so proud of him all the time.
I just wish that he was as proud of himself. I am not sure why he puts himself down so much. He calls himself idiot all the time and stupid, loser, “fat bald and ugly and he lives in a shack on a hill and I don’t want him”. The latter is his favorite saying.
I know that his childhood was not that great either, but he had difficulty’s that were different from mine when I was little. I feel so bad for him every time that he puts himself down. It’s really sad because he truly is an amazing man. He is a great husband and a great father. He really is very intelligent. It’s so hard to understand why he does this. I love him so much and when he hurts, I hurt too.
The very idea of having a successful lifelong marriage and the privilege of raising beautiful children and to see them off into their own lives and families is a huge blessing that he had a very huge part in. I struggled with my illnesses as a result of the aftermath of chronic child abuse but that aside, we still built an amazing life together and as a strong family. I am so very grateful for every day of my life. God has given so many reasons for joy. It is hard to wake up in the morning without a smile for my God for all he has done. I say my prayer even before getting out of bed in the morning. It’s my time with my heavenly father. What a great way to open the morning with cheer and gratitude. I pray for guidance through my day and always feel a strong sense of God on my side as I go through my day. I am sure to have success in my day if I include him in everything.
With us, all together as a family are all playing their roles. In this way, we are always making up for what is missing and making repairs with each other as we sometimes stumble through unforeseen occurrences that do befall us all. One is always lifting another in their time of need and then it comes around full circle so that all members of the family through their great demonstration of love for each other heal the family all in their own loving way.
It is a privilege and honor that I feel, to have the opportunity to raise happy safe children despite what I went through as a child. We are all so resilient in our own special ways.
I feel that I have been truly blessed by God to have such joys in my life despite my difficulties. What an honor it is to serve such a loving heavenly father who has never let me down and always provided a way out of the pain. I did not always listen but eventually realized the benefits displayed in our beautiful family and on my behalf.
Never give up. Wherever there is pain there is a way out. Seek it out and reach…God will not disappoint you. Not ever.

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ALWAYS AND FOREVER

LINDA

Just a dream

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I had this really powerful dream last night. I dreamt of my dad. In it, I was still a little girl but he was different. He was very different. I have tears in my eyes right now as I type this. He was so good to me in the dream. He did not hurt me in my dream like he did when I was little. Perhaps unconsciously I am wishing for a do-over of my childhood in which I can control what happens to me.  How awesome would that be? It’s so sad to know that it will never be possible.
There is not one of us that isn’t damaged by our parents some how to a lesser or greater degree. I know this. I know that I am not a perfect mother. But I know that I did the very best that I could to raise them happy and healthy and I live with those wonderful memories in my heart every day.  It was the best time of my life. It was the most important thing that I have ever done. Their dad did the very best that he could also. He deserves an award for the great father that he was while raising them. Having a good mom and dad makes all the difference for them later in life when they are adults. It was not easy but very possible to keep children from harm and nurture them at a most critical time in their lives.. No mother or father can be perfect. Understanding this point helps me to forgive my father just a tiny little bit.
Then there are those parents who harm their children so deeply and yet they expect forgiveness. They make excuses for their actions and even say that they did the best that they could. That just isn’t true and I think they know that. There are some crimes against a child that are almost unforgivable.
How many of us wish things were different when we were kids. Some kids wish for different parents. I don’t think that I could do that. I would still want my Mom and my Dad. I would only wish to change those horrible things that happened. Instead of neglect, I would wish that my mom would take much better care of us and protect us from harm. I did not have that kind of Mom. I would wish my Dad to be like he was before the sexual abuse happened. Before that time I thought he was the best father in the world.
Oh, the power of wishing.
Oh, the power of dreams.
Linda

Cat and mouse chase

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Max is chasing a very large mouse in my house.  Clearly it’s not a mole, I hate those things, and clearly, it’s not a rat. However, it is a big fat mouse. I saw it as it hurried by with Max just behind him and closing in. The mouse ran from one end of the wall to the couch with Max on his tail until Max smacked head-on into the back of the couch. He was too big to fit. My husband first saw this pest in the bathroom as I heard him scream like a girl. It was hilarious!

I am going to keep doors closed for now so that Max does not have to fight with the mouse all throughout the house. I am going to pick up a live mousetrap to try to lure him in with some peanut butter. Actually, it could be a girl. By the size, of it, I would swear it was pregnant.

If I catch it,  I will take him for a little drive and let him free to roam and find a new home. He or she better not find its way back here or send any of its friends knowing I won’t kill them. My husband, now that’s a different matter altogether. He wants to kill him. Well, this is all for now of our mouse in the house saga. I will keep you informed.
It’s such a break sometimes to have an adventure even if it is in your own home. Find ways to laugh and even play. Just because we are adults does not mean we cannot have fun. Especially for those of us who have had their childhood stolen away. Jump in puddles and dance in the rain. Don’t worry about who is watching. They might either be jealous or jump right in to join you. Be free to express your inner child. They’ve been there all along waiting for you to play.

Linda

Please hear me!

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I don’t know where to begin or if I should speak at all.

What we say and do can have a bigger impact on people than we might think.

I have learned lately to never assume things about myself nor to assume things about others and how what I say or do affects others in my life.  Especially the people closest to me, my family and friends.

From my perspective, life is not about me, although it might seem that way from time to time. I know that it is more about how people see me from the outside. Its there perspective and judgments about me.  It means more to me, that I show respect and genuine honesty and carefulness with my words and actions toward the people that I love and respect.

Lesson learned! I have had to learn a lot of lessons in my life the hard way. It’s not important to get into all that. This is more about misunderstandings, mix messages and inconsistencies that I send out.

I don’t expect anyone to understand me or even really know me when I set up all these protective walls. For me, its about survival mechanisms. They were maladaptive ways to survive that I learned from the past.  I don’t need them anymore and I am learning to change. I don’t expect anyone to understand all of it or the extent of it or why I do things the way that I do.

The world is so much bigger than any of my issues.

I have pushed so many people away lately.

I hurt my brother by pushing him away. He’s one of the last people in the world that I would ever want to hurt. I missed an important event in his life. The graduation of his twin sons from high school. I felt awful. I know that he forgives me but that does not make me feel any less guilty about it. I will make it up to him and my nephews. But I can’t be there for anyone else if I cant even take care of myself very well right now.

That’s the tragic thing about child abuse recovery. It steals little pieces of your life and can isolate you from the people that you care about the most.

I am working in therapy with the darkest and most traumatic memory of all.

The woods!

When I finally work that out then I will be able to work on repairs in my relationships.

I hope that they can all be patient with me. The ties that bind us as families can become so damaged whether we intend it or not but the flip side of that is, they can also mend with time and genuine effort.

Linda

 

 

 

 

A note to my 8 year old inner child.

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Dear Inner Linda,

I know your there.

I can hear you crying.

I am so sorry that you have to keep talking about what happened to you. I know you’re scared. I know what he did has stomped on your spirit.

But the truth is little girl that the spirit never dies and one day soon you will be able to send out that spark of amazing creativity that I know you have, to make a difference in the world.

For now, just know that I will take care of you and if you need me to sing you a song or buy a toy or……….just listen…I am always right here for you.

Adult Linda

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month
By Capt. Megan Fitzsimmons, Pediatric Clin

April is Child Abuse Prevention month, and the Air Force is empowering families to triumph over childhood violence.

According to experts from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, more than 740,000 children are treated in emergency rooms as a result of violence every year; that is more than 84 children each hour. Every year, more than three million reports of child abuse are received by state and local agencies – a staggering six reports every minute.

The key to avoiding childhood violence is prevention. Families who have stable and nurturing relationships are less likely to experience childhood violence in their homes than families who are unstable.

Children need parents who can identify and provide for their needs. Parenting can be difficult and stressful, and sometimes they need support, resources, and guidance to take the best possible care of their children.

There are several protective factors that can help lower the incidence of child abuse:

· Build a strong bond with your children by making time to do activities together.
· Find the best positive coping strategies for your family.
· Enforce discipline with clear limits and boundaries for children older than 15 months of age – with expectations based on their age and development.
· Understand the basic development of a child’s age.
· Recognize your own limitations and know when to ask for help.
· Be socially active! Being active is healthy for both parents and children.
· Have a good support system and know who to call if there are questions or problems.

These protective measures are important for families since they reinforce one another.
· Child Welfare Information Gateway website: http://www.childwelfare.gov
· National Parent Helpline: 1 (855) 427-2736 or http://www.nationalparenthelpline.org
· Born Learning: http://www.bornlearning.org
· Parents Anonymous: 903-629-7588 or http://www.parentsanonymous.org.

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Purchase blue pinwheels that symbolize Child Abuse Awareness. Put them on your lawns in front of your house. Put them in your place of employment. Put them out for all to see and become Aware of Child Prevention. There are also Pins and bracelets to help spread this important message with everyone. There are many places on the internet that sell them. I know that Amazon sells them also. We can all do our part and acknowledge  April as Child Abuse Awareness and bring attention to this terrible crime against children.

L.B.

 

ALWAYS AND FOREVER

It was right here all alone!
Perhaps we can forge a new path together.

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My husband and I argued over something so stupid this evening. But I’ve learned through time and experience that when we are fighting about something so stupid that there are more important issues that are not being said. As is often pointed out by marriage councilors, “it’s the elephant in the room”, that we seem to walk around but never acknowledge. I know the elephant won’t go away unless we deal with it. For some reason tonight was the night. Life sometimes has a way of putting things right there in front us whether we are ready or not. I was encouraged to address these issues by my therapist but I have learned that I have to be very careful how I put things to my husband because he is very sensitive and takes everything to heart just like I do. Oh, what pair we are. There are all these little annoyances that can erupt into an emotional explosion if not properly dealt with. It’s the explosion that brings real issues to light. Well, that is what sort of happened tonight.
I don’t want to talk about the content of the argument because that doesn’t even matter. but I think that the fact that it triggered something bigger, all though painful, needed to be said.
Its been so easy to take for granted what we have as a couple. It is possible to lose sight of what each of us needs so we stop providing it whether it is hugs or compliments and sometimes even manners. I think that it’s because we have lived more than three decades with each other and it has become so easy to get comfortable in our regular routine that we miss the importance of what brought us together in the first place. Our love for each other. We created a bond that grew in our hearts over the years. That bond has always been there right along but somehow got pushed aside by the fast pace of life. The girls are all grown and have their own lives. They don’t need us so much. So this should be the perfect time to come together and maybe do something that we never had a chance to when the girls where home. It could be a time of discovery. It could be exciting. Instead of looking at life through older eyes thinking that we are over the hill and we should just throw in the towel and let life happen to us, we could re-discover each other.
I want my husband to know that we don’t have to give into a set way of advancing in age. He looks at himself as old when he is only in his 50s. Really……I’m not old. Does he think that I am old? I may be a grandparent but that does not mean that I have to live like the typical old granny that sits there in her favorite chair knitting while sounded by cats. No…..that is just not me. I want him to see that too.
Tonight could be a turning point in our relationship. We got through all that stuff that we were holding onto for so long. Perhaps we held on because we thought that it would be a good thing for our marriage not to bring up things that could anger each other and take away the peace from the house. It didn’t work. As a result of holding back, we have put a wedge between each other. We were not being fair by hiding how we really felt. If we are doing that than we are also holding back what each other needs. What we need is the biggest issue. Tonight we took a leap of faith and revealed what each other really needs. It’s a start in the right direction. I don’t know where this new-found knowledge will lead us but I know for sure that I do not want to go backward and live like we were in some sort of marriage limbo where we seemed to be living more like roommates than husband and wife. I know for sure that I’m not throwing in the towel on getting older or on our marriage. I have a lot of life left to live and a spark in my heart that just won’t keep quiet.
If we choose to, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
We can allow ourselves to be deceived by false realities.
Or we can use them to hide in silence our longings.
But its time for our marriage to come out of hiding
We don’t live in illusions that should be.
But we live in the possibilities of what could be and strive to make that our reality.
“Always and Forever” was there from the start
and from that moment on it has lived in our hearts.

Linda