Is wanting childhood back such an empty hope. Is it possible to recapture some of it? If only in my head, I pray that I can get some peace with this idea. Perhaps a sparkle that I can see in a random child’s eye. If I looked upon my own image in a mirror would or could I see that same sparkle in my own eyes someday? Could it be that I have worked hard enough to catch a glimpse of what might have been or who I was as a child? I do still live with the longings of childhood. I wonder if those feelings will ever go away. I want that same childlike wonder and excitement. The energy and wonderment which is a birthright taken away by selfishness.
Of the millions or more children who have suffered child abuse what makes me think that mine has any unique story. We are all different like the snowflakes that fall from the heavens on a cold winter day. Each child has different scars and no scar can, look-alike. Just like fingerprints, each child’s experience of abuse is different.  Each child deals with their emotions and memories or events surrounding the abuse differently. Therefore we can never compare one story against another.
If we could gather together every child’s story and shoot it up to the heavens would the sound be loud enough for the whole world to hear? You would think so. People must realize and know that the impact of such horrendous pain on these, our precious children will alter the course of the earth as we know it unless something is done to stop it.
Linda Booth

I’m a Survivor



I am finished with IOP now and I am starting to get more energy back. I am a bit more productive.  If feels good to accomplish goals that I set for myself daily. I know that it is important not to take to much in a day or I will most-assuredly become discouraged and that can send me backwards again. I don’t want to go backward!

For the past year, I have been hiding out in my house. I go to very few places. Part of that is just being sensitive and do not mind being alone. The INFJ personality type has a sensitivity that prevents them from wanting to be around a crowd of people. It’s ok for me sometimes. But I can only take so much of being in a social situation and then I have to be alone for a while to recharge. Then if I have to go back I will be alright for a while and then need to recharge (energy) again. The noise in a crowd can be too much. To me, it’s not always like a bunch of people talking. It sounds like this loud uncomfortable roar.

I know that when I get farther along in therapy I will not be such a hermit. Who knows maybe even getting a job. I have to set goals for myself because otherwise I just feel lost and don’t know what to do with my time. I might even do some type of volunteer work. That would make me feel great if and only if I get to the point when I can handle being around people more. When the girls were little I did work. I was a housekeeping supervisor.  I loved that job. I did for about nine years. Then my child abuse issues were starting to get overwhelming and I quit.  But I loved it. It is always easier for me when my time is structured and I have things to do that have to be done.

I have been pushing everyone important to me away lately. I know that I am hurting them because of this but on the other hand I don’t feel like can change that right.

I really think only survivors of child abuse can know completely how difficult life can be.  We know how devastating and even catastrophic childhood abuse impacts the lives of survivors and their family.

I am a survivor. I will get better!

Blessings to all of my faithful readers!


The day after


Its Monday morning. Yes, I did manage to get about 6 hours of sleep. My mood is a bit better. I am glad for that. I have therapy today and this will help further in my efforts to de-stress. But also, to figure out what is causing me to feel this way without much let-up.

My gut feeling about all of this is that I have come to the point in my therapy where I know that I need to talk about the worst memories. To me that is terrifying. Emdr does take the charge off the memory so that it becomes manageable. But I first have to delve into the memories and talk about them and feel the emotions. The more that I work on it the more the fear of it subsides.

I will continue to do this.  I want something better for my life than just existing from day today.


Pressed in every way!


Did you ever have that feeling that you hit a brick wall when it comes to certain points in your life? I remember a scripture from the Bible that always gave me the strength to go on and move forward.

Its 2 Corinthians 4:8,9,  “We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement, we are perplexed but not completely with no way out. We are persecuted but not abandoned, we are knocked down but not destroyed.” (New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures).

In the past, I used to feel trapped a lot! I felt trapped in a physical way of course by my father but I also now feel emotionally trapped and spiritually stuck! I feel unable to move forward. I am confused.

I have therapy tomorrow and I will have time to try and work this out with my therapist but I know that its only 50 minutes long. I feel scared that I still might not know why this is all happening to me when I leave.  Why now?  What is happening right now, that is causing all this distress?

There might as well be a brick wall in my way even though there is really nothing there.

My emotions are so strong right now that the only way to describe this, is running right into a brick wall and that hurts. That hurts physically and emotionally and metaphorically speaking,  I need damage control. But I don’t know how to get that or how to find a way around the wall.

I will just sleep on it and I am almost sure that it’s possible that I might feel different in the morning.

Thank goodness for the wisdom from Gods word the Bible because I know that I am not stuck,” completely with no way out”.


April is Child Abuse Awareness Month

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month
By Capt. Megan Fitzsimmons, Pediatric Clin

April is Child Abuse Prevention month, and the Air Force is empowering families to triumph over childhood violence.

According to experts from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, more than 740,000 children are treated in emergency rooms as a result of violence every year; that is more than 84 children each hour. Every year, more than three million reports of child abuse are received by state and local agencies – a staggering six reports every minute.

The key to avoiding childhood violence is prevention. Families who have stable and nurturing relationships are less likely to experience childhood violence in their homes than families who are unstable.

Children need parents who can identify and provide for their needs. Parenting can be difficult and stressful, and sometimes they need support, resources, and guidance to take the best possible care of their children.

There are several protective factors that can help lower the incidence of child abuse:

· Build a strong bond with your children by making time to do activities together.
· Find the best positive coping strategies for your family.
· Enforce discipline with clear limits and boundaries for children older than 15 months of age – with expectations based on their age and development.
· Understand the basic development of a child’s age.
· Recognize your own limitations and know when to ask for help.
· Be socially active! Being active is healthy for both parents and children.
· Have a good support system and know who to call if there are questions or problems.

These protective measures are important for families since they reinforce one another.
· Child Welfare Information Gateway website:
· National Parent Helpline: 1 (855) 427-2736 or
· Born Learning:
· Parents Anonymous: 903-629-7588 or



Purchase blue pinwheels that symbolize Child Abuse Awareness. Put them on your lawns in front of your house. Put them in your place of employment. Put them out for all to see and become Aware of Child Prevention. There are also Pins and bracelets to help spread this important message with everyone. There are many places on the internet that sell them. I know that Amazon sells them also. We can all do our part and acknowledge  April as Child Abuse Awareness and bring attention to this terrible crime against children.