Aloof

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She was screaming and pulling on my shirt,
And looking desperate to be free.
I became embarrassed very easily,
From her childlike fears and needs.
I am not her mother,
But she pleads for me to be.
I just went on with my day.
For a time, she fades away.
Life seems normal and free.
But only because she hides,
Till the next time that she can plead.
There it goes again.
That pulling on my shirt.
If I keep ignoring, what will it do to her?
If I keep ignoring will I be the one that’s hurt?
I try sometimes.
To this there is proof.
For each time that she pulls at my shirt,
I get farther and farther from ignoring her,
And much less aloof.
Linda

Wonderful Husband

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I am so proud of my husband Clyde!  I am always so proud of him all the time.
I just wish that he was as proud of himself. I am not sure why he puts himself down so much. He calls himself idiot all the time and stupid, loser, “fat bald and ugly and he lives in a shack on a hill and I don’t want him”. The latter is his favorite saying.
I know that his childhood was not that great either, but he had difficulty’s that were different from mine when I was little. I feel so bad for him every time that he puts himself down. It’s really sad because he truly is an amazing man. He is a great husband and a great father. He really is very intelligent. It’s so hard to understand why he does this. I love him so much and when he hurts, I hurt too.
The very idea of having a successful lifelong marriage and the privilege of raising beautiful children and to see them off into their own lives and families is a huge blessing that he had a very huge part in. I struggled with my illnesses as a result of the aftermath of chronic child abuse but that aside, we still built an amazing life together and as a strong family. I am so very grateful for every day of my life. God has given so many reasons for joy. It is hard to wake up in the morning without a smile for my God for all he has done. I say my prayer even before getting out of bed in the morning. It’s my time with my heavenly father. What a great way to open the morning with cheer and gratitude. I pray for guidance through my day and always feel a strong sense of God on my side as I go through my day. I am sure to have success in my day if I include him in everything.
With us, all together as a family are all playing their roles. In this way, we are always making up for what is missing and making repairs with each other as we sometimes stumble through unforeseen occurrences that do befall us all. One is always lifting another in their time of need and then it comes around full circle so that all members of the family through their great demonstration of love for each other heal the family all in their own loving way.
It is a privilege and honor that I feel, to have the opportunity to raise happy safe children despite what I went through as a child. We are all so resilient in our own special ways.
I feel that I have been truly blessed by God to have such joys in my life despite my difficulties. What an honor it is to serve such a loving heavenly father who has never let me down and always provided a way out of the pain. I did not always listen but eventually realized the benefits displayed in our beautiful family and on my behalf.
Never give up. Wherever there is pain there is a way out. Seek it out and reach…God will not disappoint you. Not ever.

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ALWAYS AND FOREVER

LINDA

Tough Day

Being sensitive is got its down side.

Today in group, I waited and waited for the therapist to check in with me like she does with everyone, well almost everyone. I was having a bad day and the fact that I was not noticed made it even worse. This program has changed so much over the years and not for the better. Well, because I am sensitive I get hurt very easily when I am not noticed. I felt like I did when I was a kid, invisible and what I had to say meant nothing.

So I quit IOP today without warning or explanation. All she had to say was ok.

I am going back to my therapist.

I am not angry. I am just disappointed. I will get over it pretty quickly. I won’t let something like that take away from all my successes and hard work.

I am a survivor.

I am sensitive and I won’t change that about myself because that is who I am.

Linda

Do something

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Approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse.
1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.
In 2012, 82.2% of child abuse perpetrators were found to be between the ages of 18-44, of which 39.6% were recorded to be between the ages of 25-34.
In the United States, more than 4 children die from child abuse and neglect on a daily basis. Over 70% of these children are below the age of 3.
Boys (48.5%) and girls (51.2%) become victims at nearly the same rate.
2.9 million cases of child abuse are reported every year in the United States.
Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit a violent crime.
About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.
14% of all men and 36% of all women in prison were abused as children.
Abused children are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs. They’re also 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy
DoSomething.org

A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERON

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An HSP can know what you are feeling even before you do. Their nerve cells are actually hyper-reactive. They can take in other emotions as their own.
Ok, I’m talking about me. But there are many others out there that experience the very same things.
When I was little my mom had to walk to the grocery store. It was quite a walk. She had all of us in a row behind her like little chicks. She called me pokey. Because I could not pass by things that I saw that amazed me without taking the time to examine them. I picked some flowers along the way and gave them to my mom thinking she would love them. She said, “Linda they are just weeds please don’t pick anymore. I became sad because to me those little tiny yellow flowers where beautiful and I was in awe of them. I felt a rush of happiness just to hold one of these flowers in my hand.

My mom disregarded my feelings. It made me sad. To her they were weeds, but to me, they were special enough to give her some. I thought that they might make her smile like they did for me. I just could not understand how she could not see the beauty in them.

I did not realize back then that I had this high sensitivity. I didn’t know just what it was that seemed to be different for me than it was for my siblings.  But today I know without a doubt that I am highly sensitive.
I now know that back then when I felt so strongly over those tiny yellow flowers that it is actually a gift. I could see life more intricately than others could. I always wanted them to see the same way and feel the same way, but they didn’t. It was frustrating for me.
I now think that this high sensitivity enables me to be creative. I am very observant. I actually can feel the emotions in the weather. I can feel the emotions of the sea. I can feel a deeper joy in getting together with my family. I don’t take anything for granted. I appreciate the subtler joys of life.

My senses seem to be heightened.  I wish sometimes people can know me on a deeper level so that they understand how even the slightest thing can be painful or the slightest thing can be extremely exciting. People like me are attuned to the subtleties of all sorts of things. We have a rich inner life and need to take time to process the constant flow of sensory data coming at us.
I read an article once on HSPs and learned that technology is now providing a window into that which likely defines us all. We have a nervous system set to register whatever stimuli we receive at a very low-frequency and it’s amplified internally. HSPs emotional experience is at such a constant intensity that it shapes our personality and our lives. If controlled, are extreme sensitivity can enable us to transform all this raw perception into a very keen perceptiveness.

Once realized it can be used as a tool or rather gift to make our way through the world and thrive. You must have heard of people like us. We could have a hundred people commend us for something we did but it only takes one person to make a negative comment to destroy all the commendation like it was never said. But that negative comment will stay with us forever.
We make up 20 percent of the population and the evidence implies that we are born that way and not made. The over emotionalism is the most visible feature and it’s not always pretty but understand that we are very honest and generous with our emotions and our thoughts about life.

Sadly, in my case, because of the constant childhood trauma, I learned to hold all that intensity within my body. I’m not even going to tell you how much that hurts. I am learning through therapy to express and release the emotions that tend to build up fairly quickly. Some caring people in my life really try to help but they don’t know what to do or say without hurting me. “It’s like walking on eggshells sometimes”, so my family has said. I really wish that sometimes I can put what seems like all-powerful emotions and put them into words. I wish that they could see what is really going on inside of me. It’s frustrating for them and it’s frustrating for me.
It’s that “thin skin statement”, that people usually put out to you. I have been told by people who might be trying to help, “Grow a thicker skin”. But if I did that then I would not authentically be me and I would be denying my gifts.
We need to focus more on what we have to offer. We make compassionate friends who truly care about others. We bring beauty from the world into art and music and we notice things others miss.
If you could see into the world of an HSP you would be in awe of all those vibrant colors, sharp smells, striking sounds, and powerful surges of our emotions.  I can tell that it is beautiful.

Linda

Murphy’s Law

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I woke up this morning with a spiritual song in my head. It might be there in my head repeatedly throughout the day. It can be so annoying.  Sometimes it is very pleasant like the one I kept hearing as I got out of bed.

I really don’t mind it if its words are important words that I can use, meditate on or find true meaning in my life today or just let them be. When we fight it then this will be repeating on and on and on the more that we hear it.
Let it be

What about murphy’s law? You wake up and nothing seems to be going your way and your frustrated so much that you want to throw in the towel and maybe go back to bed. If you can decide for yourself that it is indeed, “a Murphy’s Law” kind of situation, then you are in for a day full of failure and mishaps. What do you do with it? I mean isn’t it all up to you, right? If you strongly believe in “Murphy’s Law” I bet, you think that the whole day is going to be messed up. Maybe the toast is burnt, or you nick your knee on a chair or you’re late for work and don’t have enough time to stop and get a coffee.
It’s probably named after this guy who happens to have those problems. Perhaps he thought that these things only happen to him and so he created a name for that which always happens to him. He must have told someone else about it in conversation. Then that person kinda says, that was interesting, and he then thought that it also happens to him sometimes. It’s funny how a silly idea can affect you so that if your day is starting wrong then you think for sure that the whole day is ruined.
I really believe that it is a “placebo effect”. If you’re given a pill by a doctor to help something that has been bothering, you for a while now.  You do not know that the pill is a placebo, so you really believe and trust in your doctor that this pill is going to work. So, you set out to take this pill and, “low-and-behold” it is working so well. Then the doctor told you that it was a sugar pill and nothing more. What do you think about that?
I believe that our minds are amazing and have the ability to change how we feel and act toward any given situation like having a bad day. If you believe in something strongly your mind will make it so.

The unconscious mind does not know the difference between the truth and lie. It believes whatever you tell it and then it will act in a way toward that believed truth. So, if a few problems come up at the beginning of the day, do you have to assume that it will turn out the same for the whole day. Your brain might be doing as you told it to do causing you to pay attention to all those mishaps because you told it to.

So, what if you did the opposite and you told your subconscious mind I will not let anything that goes wrong ruin my whole day and most assuredly your brain will do what you told it to do and your day is going to be great.
We all have the power to change the way we think by letting those powerful happy thoughts in and even if a few things go wrong you don’t have to label it. Just look at it differently.
Linda

Just a dream

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I had this really powerful dream last night. I dreamt of my dad. In it, I was still a little girl but he was different. He was very different. I have tears in my eyes right now as I type this. He was so good to me in the dream. He did not hurt me in my dream like he did when I was little. Perhaps unconsciously I am wishing for a do-over of my childhood in which I can control what happens to me.  How awesome would that be? It’s so sad to know that it will never be possible.
There is not one of us that isn’t damaged by our parents some how to a lesser or greater degree. I know this. I know that I am not a perfect mother. But I know that I did the very best that I could to raise them happy and healthy and I live with those wonderful memories in my heart every day.  It was the best time of my life. It was the most important thing that I have ever done. Their dad did the very best that he could also. He deserves an award for the great father that he was while raising them. Having a good mom and dad makes all the difference for them later in life when they are adults. It was not easy but very possible to keep children from harm and nurture them at a most critical time in their lives.. No mother or father can be perfect. Understanding this point helps me to forgive my father just a tiny little bit.
Then there are those parents who harm their children so deeply and yet they expect forgiveness. They make excuses for their actions and even say that they did the best that they could. That just isn’t true and I think they know that. There are some crimes against a child that are almost unforgivable.
How many of us wish things were different when we were kids. Some kids wish for different parents. I don’t think that I could do that. I would still want my Mom and my Dad. I would only wish to change those horrible things that happened. Instead of neglect, I would wish that my mom would take much better care of us and protect us from harm. I did not have that kind of Mom. I would wish my Dad to be like he was before the sexual abuse happened. Before that time I thought he was the best father in the world.
Oh, the power of wishing.
Oh, the power of dreams.
Linda