Childhood

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Is wanting childhood back such an empty hope. Is it possible to recapture some of it? If only in my head, I pray that I can get some peace with this idea. Perhaps a sparkle that I can see in a random child’s eye. If I looked upon my own image in a mirror would or could I see that same sparkle in my own eyes someday? Could it be that I have worked hard enough to catch a glimpse of what might have been or who I was as a child? I do still live with the longings of childhood. I wonder if those feelings will ever go away. I want that same childlike wonder and excitement. The energy and wonderment which is a birthright taken away by selfishness.
Of the millions or more children who have suffered child abuse what makes me think that mine has any unique story. We are all different like the snowflakes that fall from the heavens on a cold winter day. Each child has different scars and no scar can, look-alike. Just like fingerprints, each child’s experience of abuse is different.  Each child deals with their emotions and memories or events surrounding the abuse differently. Therefore we can never compare one story against another.
If we could gather together every child’s story and shoot it up to the heavens would the sound be loud enough for the whole world to hear? You would think so. People must realize and know that the impact of such horrendous pain on these, our precious children will alter the course of the earth as we know it unless something is done to stop it.
Linda Booth

Any Wish


There’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
if you asked me to.
To the ends of the earth,
and back again.
I’d do it for you, my friend,
again and again.
On this truth, you can rely.
With all that we’ve been through,
I would give the world to you.
I love you.
Most assuredly you know that in my heart
to you, I bestow this gift,
for any wish.
You can come to collect,
and I will promise to follow
with results in excess
to this, I can attest,
From here on in,
you should always know,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
if you asked me to.

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Linda Booth

Just a dream

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I had this really powerful dream last night. I dreamt of my dad. In it, I was still a little girl but he was different. He was very different. I have tears in my eyes right now as I type this. He was so good to me in the dream. He did not hurt me in my dream like he did when I was little. Perhaps unconsciously I am wishing for a do-over of my childhood in which I can control what happens to me.  How awesome would that be? It’s so sad to know that it will never be possible.
There is not one of us that isn’t damaged by our parents some how to a lesser or greater degree. I know this. I know that I am not a perfect mother. But I know that I did the very best that I could to raise them happy and healthy and I live with those wonderful memories in my heart every day.  It was the best time of my life. It was the most important thing that I have ever done. Their dad did the very best that he could also. He deserves an award for the great father that he was while raising them. Having a good mom and dad makes all the difference for them later in life when they are adults. It was not easy but very possible to keep children from harm and nurture them at a most critical time in their lives.. No mother or father can be perfect. Understanding this point helps me to forgive my father just a tiny little bit.
Then there are those parents who harm their children so deeply and yet they expect forgiveness. They make excuses for their actions and even say that they did the best that they could. That just isn’t true and I think they know that. There are some crimes against a child that are almost unforgivable.
How many of us wish things were different when we were kids. Some kids wish for different parents. I don’t think that I could do that. I would still want my Mom and my Dad. I would only wish to change those horrible things that happened. Instead of neglect, I would wish that my mom would take much better care of us and protect us from harm. I did not have that kind of Mom. I would wish my Dad to be like he was before the sexual abuse happened. Before that time I thought he was the best father in the world.
Oh, the power of wishing.
Oh, the power of dreams.
Linda

Going back in time

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Going back in time, if pain lives there, can be one of the most difficult things a person would have to do. Some can leave the past in the past and they are ok with that. I envy them for being able to do that. I would guess that the majority of us can’t. When it comes to our childhoods though the circumstances vary from person to person and even from one sibling to another, not a single one of us grows into adulthood without some scrapes to our tender emotions. No parent is perfect. There is always some measure of dysfunction carried into adulthood. Often it plays out on our own children but those of us who truly love our children can’t possibly imagine inflicting the same pain on them. Sometimes it is an unconscious impulse. Then there is regret and an attempt to make a repair with our child. If we don’t want our childhoods played out on our children then there is much work to be done on ourselves.  That might take getting some therapy to work through it all.  The length or severity of trauma will dictate how much effort we need to put forth to clear the pain of our past. It’s the brave who go back and do the work. It’s the ones who truly love their children that go back and do the work. It’s all of us who want a better life for our children and even a  better world. We are the ones who do the hard work despite or fears. It is commendable.

If I had a choice to not do it then I would choose not to do it. But I don’t have a choice. My life is deeply affected by what I went through. The positive in going back is exposing the perpetrator for what they are… selfish sick depraved horrible beings that dare grace the term human.

Here is an example of an EMDR session I had a while back.  We stuck with a single target memory until it was finished. That means taking all the charge off the memory so that it is just a memory without the pain or negative ideas that I believed about myself that just were not true.  That’s how EMDR works. So I first watched her hands with my eyes causing the rapid eye movement and I could feel the powerful thoughts and feelings welling up in me and lo and behold, the waterworks started. I worked at that memory intensely all the while being cheered on by my therapist. Her compassionate guidance made such a difference. She would say, Linda, I know you can do this. It was one of the many rape experiences from my childhood at the hands of my father. She had me tell him whatever I wanted to tell him without restriction. I yelled at him. I called him a liar and a manipulator. I even said that I hated him, though I am not sure that I meant it. She was giving me some ideas of what I could say and even do to him which helped but I found the courage to say it in my own words. I gave those words power and I threw emotional darts at him with that power. It was a power that I really did not believe I had. The tears of pain fell from my eyes like waterfalls. I thought it would never stop but of course, it did. I probably have a lot more crying to do but for just this day I had accomplished a lot. I was proud of myself and grateful to my therapist for seeing the strength in me and drawing it out. It did not kill me to do this and I am here to fight yet another day.

Linda

P.S. Soon I will be back working on the memories again. Group therapy has given me the strength to continue.  It was a much-needed break.

The day after

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Its Monday morning. Yes, I did manage to get about 6 hours of sleep. My mood is a bit better. I am glad for that. I have therapy today and this will help further in my efforts to de-stress. But also, to figure out what is causing me to feel this way without much let-up.

My gut feeling about all of this is that I have come to the point in my therapy where I know that I need to talk about the worst memories. To me that is terrifying. Emdr does take the charge off the memory so that it becomes manageable. But I first have to delve into the memories and talk about them and feel the emotions. The more that I work on it the more the fear of it subsides.

I will continue to do this.  I want something better for my life than just existing from day today.

Linda

Gratitude

 

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I am grateful that I have so many things to be grateful for.
1 The love of my Heavenly Father!
2 My beautiful Husband of 40 years!
3 My four Beautiful Daughters!
4 My 10 Beautiful Grandchildren

5 I am grateful to have a roof over my head and enough food to eat.

6 I am Creative and enjoy art and crafting

7 My middle name is Mary-No-(Write) I love to write. Words are my thing!

8 I am proud and grateful for all the help through-out my journey of healing
thus far!
9 I am really grateful for my therapist and Psychiatrist!

10 I am grateful to be alive!
I could go on all day and I can also include more thought into each
gratefulness that I chose.

When a person is down and depressed its really hard to work on
a gratitude list. But it can be done. If we just sit awhile and just think about
them before they even get onto the paper. Let the mind wander away
from pain and into some peacefulness that we all need from time to time.

It might just lift your spirit. See how many you can come up with. Just
in this very process, a person can begin to feel lifted and lighter.

I know it works for me

Linda

Monday-Monday

I am all alone as usual. My husband is at work. My four daughters are all moved out and into there own lives. I do see them regularly. I still can’t believe so much time has gone by. My third daughter just got married last October. Perhaps more grandchildren on the way. I have nine right now. I may feel like I am alone sometimes but two of my daughters live just down the street from me. I go there pretty often to visit.

I would like to institute a mother daughter’s movie night. I have not asked them yet but I think they will love the idea. It doesn’t have to be every week or even every month as long as we do it. I think this is a fantastic way to spend time with them because they live busy lives. The mother-daughter connection is so important to me. I think it is to them as well. We are a close family. I am so grateful for them. They are the most important job that I ever had. Raising these beautiful little girls to adulthood has been the best time of my life.

I may have not gotten the love and attention from my mom for whatever reason but I would never think of depriving my children of all the nurturance, care, and love that they should have and deserve. It should always be kids first!

Have a great day!thFVV30SWZ

Linda

Crystal’s Wedding

My girls at different stages of growing up, in no particular order.

Grandchildren too!

First one is My husband and me at our wedding.