I want off the rollercoaster!


I think that my moods are getting better. I hope so anyway. I thoroughly enjoy the days that I feel happy and energized.  But that scary unexpected sink in mood is costly because it steals my will for a while. It zaps my motivation. It is so discouraging. I hate when I have a few good days because I know that  I am just waiting for the fall. It’s more like a vacuum. I get sucked in beyond my control. It knocks the wind out of me sometimes. I seem to go to a very dark place but I did not make that choice. That dark place does not care whether I have plans or if I  have to wash the dishes. It steals my choice and throws my plans to get better out the window. I go to look for it but it just seems to disappear without a trace. I have no desire to move farther from the couch I cry a lot for no apparent reason.

A few days or weeks go by and I am on a upclimb again. My life is not easy. But I’m alive! I live for the days that I can be productive and to feel joy again.

My life is a perpetual rollercoaster ride. Getting off is not in my control. Im at its mercy until I can step off for a while. I would like to be done with this cycle of mood swings.

That’s what I am in therapy for. The EMDR work on the trauma from child abuse gives me hope because I have already seen positive results. I also have a great therapist.

I am on the up swing. I pray that I can just enjoy it until the next scary drop. The thing that I hate the most about rollercoasters is the drop.

Prayer really does help but I need to make a stronger habit of it.


The day after


Its Monday morning. Yes, I did manage to get about 6 hours of sleep. My mood is a bit better. I am glad for that. I have therapy today and this will help further in my efforts to de-stress. But also, to figure out what is causing me to feel this way without much let-up.

My gut feeling about all of this is that I have come to the point in my therapy where I know that I need to talk about the worst memories. To me that is terrifying. Emdr does take the charge off the memory so that it becomes manageable. But I first have to delve into the memories and talk about them and feel the emotions. The more that I work on it the more the fear of it subsides.

I will continue to do this.  I want something better for my life than just existing from day today.





I am grateful that I have so many things to be grateful for.
1 The love of my Heavenly Father!
2 My beautiful Husband of 40 years!
3 My four Beautiful Daughters!
4 My 10 Beautiful Grandchildren

5 I am grateful to have a roof over my head and enough food to eat.

6 I am Creative and enjoy art and crafting

7 My middle name is Mary-No-(Write) I love to write. Words are my thing!

8 I am proud and grateful for all the help through-out my journey of healing
thus far!
9 I am really grateful for my therapist and Psychiatrist!

10 I am grateful to be alive!
I could go on all day and I can also include more thought into each
gratefulness that I chose.

When a person is down and depressed its really hard to work on
a gratitude list. But it can be done. If we just sit awhile and just think about
them before they even get onto the paper. Let the mind wander away
from pain and into some peacefulness that we all need from time to time.

It might just lift your spirit. See how many you can come up with. Just
in this very process, a person can begin to feel lifted and lighter.

I know it works for me