I think that my moods are getting better. I hope so anyway. I thoroughly enjoy the days that I feel happy and energized. But that scary unexpected sink in mood is costly because it steals my will for a while. It zaps my motivation. It is so discouraging. I hate when I have a few good days because I know that I am just waiting for the fall. It’s more like a vacuum. I get sucked in beyond my control. It knocks the wind out of me sometimes. I seem to go to a very dark place but I did not make that choice. That dark place does not care whether I have plans or if I have to wash the dishes. It steals my choice and throws my plans to get better out the window. I go to look for it but it just seems to disappear without a trace. I have no desire to move farther from the couch I cry a lot for no apparent reason.
A few days or weeks go by and I am on a upclimb again. My life is not easy. But I’m alive! I live for the days that I can be productive and to feel joy again.
My life is a perpetual rollercoaster ride. Getting off is not in my control. Im at its mercy until I can step off for a while. I would like to be done with this cycle of mood swings.
That’s what I am in therapy for. The EMDR work on the trauma from child abuse gives me hope because I have already seen positive results. I also have a great therapist.
I am on the up swing. I pray that I can just enjoy it until the next scary drop. The thing that I hate the most about rollercoasters is the drop.
Prayer really does help but I need to make a stronger habit of it.