Any Wish


There’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
if you asked me to.
To the ends of the earth,
and back again.
I’d do it for you, my friend,
again and again.
On this truth, you can rely.
With all that we’ve been through,
I would give the world to you.
I love you.
Most assuredly you know that in my heart
to you, I bestow this gift,
for any wish.
You can come to collect,
and I will promise to follow
with results in excess
to this, I can attest,
From here on in,
you should always know,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
if you asked me to.

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Linda Booth

I want off the rollercoaster!

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I think that my moods are getting better. I hope so anyway. I thoroughly enjoy the days that I feel happy and energized.  But that scary unexpected sink in mood is costly because it steals my will for a while. It zaps my motivation. It is so discouraging. I hate when I have a few good days because I know that  I am just waiting for the fall. It’s more like a vacuum. I get sucked in beyond my control. It knocks the wind out of me sometimes. I seem to go to a very dark place but I did not make that choice. That dark place does not care whether I have plans or if I  have to wash the dishes. It steals my choice and throws my plans to get better out the window. I go to look for it but it just seems to disappear without a trace. I have no desire to move farther from the couch I cry a lot for no apparent reason.

A few days or weeks go by and I am on a upclimb again. My life is not easy. But I’m alive! I live for the days that I can be productive and to feel joy again.

My life is a perpetual rollercoaster ride. Getting off is not in my control. Im at its mercy until I can step off for a while. I would like to be done with this cycle of mood swings.

That’s what I am in therapy for. The EMDR work on the trauma from child abuse gives me hope because I have already seen positive results. I also have a great therapist.

I am on the up swing. I pray that I can just enjoy it until the next scary drop. The thing that I hate the most about rollercoasters is the drop.

Prayer really does help but I need to make a stronger habit of it.

Linda

Cat and mouse chase

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Max is chasing a very large mouse in my house.  Clearly it’s not a mole, I hate those things, and clearly, it’s not a rat. However, it is a big fat mouse. I saw it as it hurried by with Max just behind him and closing in. The mouse ran from one end of the wall to the couch with Max on his tail until Max smacked head-on into the back of the couch. He was too big to fit. My husband first saw this pest in the bathroom as I heard him scream like a girl. It was hilarious!

I am going to keep doors closed for now so that Max does not have to fight with the mouse all throughout the house. I am going to pick up a live mousetrap to try to lure him in with some peanut butter. Actually, it could be a girl. By the size, of it, I would swear it was pregnant.

If I catch it,  I will take him for a little drive and let him free to roam and find a new home. He or she better not find its way back here or send any of its friends knowing I won’t kill them. My husband, now that’s a different matter altogether. He wants to kill him. Well, this is all for now of our mouse in the house saga. I will keep you informed.
It’s such a break sometimes to have an adventure even if it is in your own home. Find ways to laugh and even play. Just because we are adults does not mean we cannot have fun. Especially for those of us who have had their childhood stolen away. Jump in puddles and dance in the rain. Don’t worry about who is watching. They might either be jealous or jump right in to join you. Be free to express your inner child. They’ve been there all along waiting for you to play.

Linda

Going back in time

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Going back in time, if pain lives there, can be one of the most difficult things a person would have to do. Some can leave the past in the past and they are ok with that. I envy them for being able to do that. I would guess that the majority of us can’t. When it comes to our childhoods though the circumstances vary from person to person and even from one sibling to another, not a single one of us grows into adulthood without some scrapes to our tender emotions. No parent is perfect. There is always some measure of dysfunction carried into adulthood. Often it plays out on our own children but those of us who truly love our children can’t possibly imagine inflicting the same pain on them. Sometimes it is an unconscious impulse. Then there is regret and an attempt to make a repair with our child. If we don’t want our childhoods played out on our children then there is much work to be done on ourselves.  That might take getting some therapy to work through it all.  The length or severity of trauma will dictate how much effort we need to put forth to clear the pain of our past. It’s the brave who go back and do the work. It’s the ones who truly love their children that go back and do the work. It’s all of us who want a better life for our children and even a  better world. We are the ones who do the hard work despite or fears. It is commendable.

If I had a choice to not do it then I would choose not to do it. But I don’t have a choice. My life is deeply affected by what I went through. The positive in going back is exposing the perpetrator for what they are… selfish sick depraved horrible beings that dare grace the term human.

Here is an example of an EMDR session I had a while back.  We stuck with a single target memory until it was finished. That means taking all the charge off the memory so that it is just a memory without the pain or negative ideas that I believed about myself that just were not true.  That’s how EMDR works. So I first watched her hands with my eyes causing the rapid eye movement and I could feel the powerful thoughts and feelings welling up in me and lo and behold, the waterworks started. I worked at that memory intensely all the while being cheered on by my therapist. Her compassionate guidance made such a difference. She would say, Linda, I know you can do this. It was one of the many rape experiences from my childhood at the hands of my father. She had me tell him whatever I wanted to tell him without restriction. I yelled at him. I called him a liar and a manipulator. I even said that I hated him, though I am not sure that I meant it. She was giving me some ideas of what I could say and even do to him which helped but I found the courage to say it in my own words. I gave those words power and I threw emotional darts at him with that power. It was a power that I really did not believe I had. The tears of pain fell from my eyes like waterfalls. I thought it would never stop but of course, it did. I probably have a lot more crying to do but for just this day I had accomplished a lot. I was proud of myself and grateful to my therapist for seeing the strength in me and drawing it out. It did not kill me to do this and I am here to fight yet another day.

Linda

P.S. Soon I will be back working on the memories again. Group therapy has given me the strength to continue.  It was a much-needed break.

Gratitude

 

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I am grateful that I have so many things to be grateful for.
1 The love of my Heavenly Father!
2 My beautiful Husband of 40 years!
3 My four Beautiful Daughters!
4 My 10 Beautiful Grandchildren

5 I am grateful to have a roof over my head and enough food to eat.

6 I am Creative and enjoy art and crafting

7 My middle name is Mary-No-(Write) I love to write. Words are my thing!

8 I am proud and grateful for all the help through-out my journey of healing
thus far!
9 I am really grateful for my therapist and Psychiatrist!

10 I am grateful to be alive!
I could go on all day and I can also include more thought into each
gratefulness that I chose.

When a person is down and depressed its really hard to work on
a gratitude list. But it can be done. If we just sit awhile and just think about
them before they even get onto the paper. Let the mind wander away
from pain and into some peacefulness that we all need from time to time.

It might just lift your spirit. See how many you can come up with. Just
in this very process, a person can begin to feel lifted and lighter.

I know it works for me

Linda

Whirl Wind

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I am caught in a whirlwind.
I’m trying to sort it out.
Please help me find my way into life.
I think that I am locked out.
Strange things are happening.
Twirling and twisting and horrid things.
Please let me in,
to those places, you are going.
I am frightened and I think I lost my way.
I can see you.
Can you see me?
Why is it so hard,
to be a part of life.
This is my right.
Tell me what to do.
For my life is lived in pain.
I see that it is bright and sunny where you live,
but I only see the rain.
If you look around the corner,
that just might be me.
Perhaps just a shadow,
or of substance, I’m not sure.
I am clearly broken.
Straight to the core.
This place you call life,
is there a door?
Linda

What to do with that space?

What do I do with that space? Its white and it’s there but has it been erased? What was it for, this space? It seems silly, I know but its a big responsiably to make the best use of it.  I will give it some time to let me know why it is there and what to do with it. It’s clean and it is bright! There are so many possibilities to use this space. Was it given to me or was it given to you? Perhaps we both have this white space. It’s so clean so if I use it, I don’t want to make a mistake and have to erase it.
I know, what it’s telling me.  It’s telling me to write and to keep writing because I can never, never, ever, run out of that white space. My thoughts are safe.

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“THE BEST IS STILL UNWRITTEN”

LINDA